It’s been 365 days since my heart was irreparably shattered. 365 days since your heart stopped beating. 365 days since anything last made sense.
To say it has been a difficult 365 days would be an understatement. It has been soul-crushing. Piercing. Numbing. Indescribably painful. Unfathomable. Senseless. All at the same time.
There’s so much I need to say to you. So much I need to hear you say. So many shared memories and moments that I don’t know what to do with now, and how to carry. But most of all. I just need you here. I need you back. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Siblings are supposed to be there. Supposed to do life together. We were supposed to share DNA, childhood, present and future. To share all of it.
Yet you tapped out, and the earth has cruelly continued to spin on its axis. Time has had the nerve to keep on passing, and the seasons changing. Three weeks ago I turned the same age as you. Two weeks ago, the calendar turned over to a new year – a year that you didn’t enter. And now we begin the second year of a life without you here. A life that is forever changed. A me that is forever changed. And rightly so because I have never needed to live a life without you before. So my life, my hobbies, my likes or dislikes, my values can no longer be what they once were. Changes I have been forced to make to get through each day of a life I never chose. A life I would trade for the previous one with you in an instant.
As I trudge along on this unwanted and lonely road, I am grateful for the few that have propped me up. That have helped me get through the worst 365 days of my life. The ones who have been by my side and stayed by my side. The ones who mourn with me and do not try to fix anything. The ones who haven’t been put off by my pain. The ones who have embraced the new version of me. The version of me without her brother. I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow, or next week or next month. But today, I am just a girl living in a world without her brother.
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