My world has shrunk drastically in the last year and a half. There is the inevitable shrinking because someone so core and fundamental to my life is no longer here.
And there has also been an additional shrinking in the capacities that I possess as I move through life now. My levels of tolerance and energies have reduced or changed in every way. A visual I have is of my world as a tray that has been violently shaken. Many items have fallen off the tray due to this initial rocking. Others items fell off as the tray continued to contract and shrink. And other items have snuck onto the tray, or will do as time goes on.
- Friendships and acquaintances
My friendship circle has shrunk. This is both as a result of friends stepping back on their own – which is absolutely fine – and my lack of capacity to maintain the same quantity and depth of relationships that I did previously. I have found that one of the things that’s most helped me feel “safe” with friends or loved ones is consistency and regular frequency on their part as they sought to support me. I know it can’t have been easy (still isn’t easy) to provide such consistent support when everyone has tons of demands on their time and various priorities in their daily lives.
However, it does mean that for relationships that weren’t as frequent or consistent, the safety element is often absent for me even to this day. I do appreciate these different people reaching out to me, regardless of how irregularly, and I know that it comes from a good place. Yet, I also find it difficult to meaningfully talk or catch up at this pace, after which I would feel emotionally exposed and like I’d been left hanging until after another few months and they checked in again. I am embracing this new aspect of my relational capacity by settling for quality in my friendships over quantity. And trying my best to pour into the friends that are sticking by me, and equally support them through their ups and downs too as best as I can..
- Phone communication
Linked to the above, in the vast majority of instances I cannot respond to general phone calls or texts that seek to catch up, where there hasn’t been a pattern of frequency and consistency that would allow me to feel safe. I can do non-catch up communication much easier, like when someone is at the shops an has a quick question, or when trying to coordinate logistics. But my capacity for communication that requires me to share about myself, is greatly limited where that safety has not been cultivated.
Initially, I used to apologise when I took a while to respond to text messages. But now, I have accepted that this is who I am, and recognised that most messages aren’t time sensitive anyway. Quality over quantity for me here is acknowledging that as long as I am replying when I have the mental bandwidth; then I am responding right on time and my reply is not “late”.
- Social battery
Unsurprisingly, my social battery is drastically different than it once was. Even though I’ve always been an introvert, and recharged by spending time alone, I was conversely very social and loved social gatherings. My tolerance for small talk has also shifted dramatically – I can do it with a couple of people maximum before my energy expires. Nor do I possess the mental capacity required to make meaningful connections with new people. Most days, I just want to curl up with my book and read. Quality over quantity for me looks like being unapologetically selective over when, in what way, how often, and with whom I choose to be social. And if I don’t feel like having any social interactions for a few days, a week, or if I need loads of downtime to recover afterwards; that is a-okay.
- Brain fog
It is fascinating to me how differently my brain functions and processes. Decision-making that is so much harder, even for inconsequential choices; poor concentration and simple tasks taking much longer than I anticipate; and a memory that is temperamental.
It’s very clever that the brain alters and evolves its pathways and functions as a protection mechanism – to aid and serve as a survival technique when facing the immense overload and overwhelm that grief brings.
- Meaning and motivation
The pool of things that I see as meaningful is minuscule and I view most things as meaningless. They just truly don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Don’t get me wrong, I can enjoy good food, I can smile, I can laugh. But underneath it all very little matters. And even if there was no good food, no smiles, no laughter, it would be the same. I would be just fine with the simplest of lives and I hold everything very lightly – if at all I hold it. Making it through each day, each week, each month is more than sufficient. I find this makes me both more empathetic to people going through all kinds of pain and struggles, and also less empathetic to minor, everyday grumbles.
Even when I smile or laugh, there is an ever-present undercurrent of sadness and brokenness in all I do. And that’s okay. I do not say this to illicit any sympathies, it’s just fact. I do not grieve the person I used to be. Nor do I miss her. All my grief, all my longing is for my brother. Rather, I roll my eyes at how optimistic I was, shake my head at the fragments of control I thought I had over anything at all.
I find solace in knowing that I am doing my best. And that’s all that I can do. This is who I am today. If we haven’t interacted meaningfully in the last 19 months, allow me to reintroduce myself.
Leave a Reply